My Favorite Time of Day

A Sabbath afternoon drive along the James River.

I stopped along the road while driving , I couldn't resit the setting sun. This is the school house where my grandma walked to 80 some yrs ago. 

Fallen Apples

I'm not so good at remembering trivia, mathematical facts, geographical locations and names. I'm terrible with word games, and am always amazed at how people know these things. Sometimes I wonder if my memory is failing me in my youth. However, ask me about my relationships and the interactions I have with people and I will remember the details and the feelings they've shared. I love to complexity of relationships, the different levels and types of relationships I am blessed to experience.

One beautiful and positive interaction I had today, took place in an old house with over grown trees, and fallen apples strewn along the sidewalk. I met this little lady today, frazzled looking hair, big thick round glasses. She had a beautiful toothy grin, and an infectious laugh. She tentatively and bravely welcomed me into her home. There she sat on her dark blue velvet sofa, with a sweater on covering her house coat underneath. She shared with me her life story, or the bits and piece she could remember. She seriously shared with me that she has no memory problems, throughout our visit this proved to be quite wrong. She giggled every time she didn't know a question, when asked what year it was she laughed and looked at her husband for help, he blankly stared back and scratched his head and stated that he had no idea. Oh dementia what an awful disease you are, robbing people of the most precious gift we have on earth, the gift of our memories both good and bad. Regardless of the on welcomed guest stealing her memories, it hasn't stolen her smile, laughter, and the sweet spirit of who she is.

Pieces

Here I stand, putting the pieces back together. I’m realizing some pieces are lost forever, but some have just been misplaced, and some are completely new shapes and sizes. The finished project isn’t smooth or as beautiful as I had hoped or dreamed for. I’ve been broken, maybe not into a million pieces, but broken nevertheless.

So these pieces I’m picking up, I’m giving to my God. He knows me heart best and knows what I need. He knows my innermost thoughts and desires. So here I pray God; God touch my heart heal me, renew me, forgive me.

Here I stand with my God, putting the pieces back into his hands, shaping me and changing me into the person I am at this moment.

I take a deep breath and keep breathing one breath at a time, moment by moment.

Lead Me

A year ago, I was searching for a job while finishing up my MSW. Applications and my resume sent to various places, in the search of that perfect job. Final papers presented, walking across the stage and shaking some stranger’s hand. Degree in hand, I tackled the interview processes with sweating hands, and a nervous smile!

Working with dying people was where I began my career. Listening as individuals shared their stories, their fears, and most of all their hopes. The image that lingers still in my mind was stroking a dying woman’s short hair, that had been stolen my chemo treatments, as she struggled with the pain. I was humbled by these interactions I had with these amazing and unique individuals.

These experiences showed me again the joy of life and the fleetingness of life here on earth. Drew me near to the hope I have in a better future, a place of no pain, and no death.

That old saying when a door closes another one opens; so here I am with a brand new shiny door, in front of me.

So I begin, starting a new adventure, and a new job! My God I feel so blessed by where I am, and where you are leading.

No Shoes

There you lay; I know you haven’t known me for long. In fact you’ve never even spoken to me. I’ve never seen the color of your eyes. I’ve never heard the sound of your voice, but I hear your breathing, I see your chest rise and the long pauses between your breaths.

I look around the room and see snapshots of the life you’ve lived. There you stand with the love of your life, arms around each other; an unlikely couple you two were. A brave adventure you set out on, two different nationalities, two different backgrounds. I hear that you were broken, abused, and ensnared by addiction before him. I see the pictures, there all so beautiful and filled with history, but you especially are beautiful. I wish I could have worked beside you in your garden, heard your voice and the wisdom you have.

I know you don’t really know me, but you’ve touched my life. Your story, the glimpse I’ve seen, I won’t forget. You’ve given me a gift today, a reminder that life is hard and situations can be exceedingly painful. However, despite all odds you keep walking, even if you have no shoes on your feet, and a thousand miles stretch out before you. You searched for a better tomorrow, a better day then yesterday; so you walked those miles with no shoes, and you found it through determination and a never ending love.

There you lay; the sun light is streaming in and dancing through your white wispy hair. Your family says you’ve always believed in letting life happen, so here you lay, peacefully allowing death to come in and complete the cycle of life.

Grandma Elsie

You lived a life of love and calmness- reflecting God’s love to everyone around you. Did I ever tell you how beautiful I thought you were? Did I tell you how I loved your hugs? I loved your smile and your laughter! Did I tell you how much I looked up to you?

Grandma your life is such an example to me- faithful and full of love. You weren’t captive to regret and malice. You lived a life of blessings; your life wasn’t in vain Grandma. So many people search and question if there living a life of meaning, but you really lived a life full of meaning. A simple life of loving and taking care of your family, a simple life but one that is radical in the society we are caught up in today.

So here I am driving further away from where you’re resting. But Grandma I’m caring you with me- you will live on in my heart and the memories I have of you. I will try to carry the legacy of your life in my actions and love. I love you so very much- death can’t take that away from me…

Moments

My first chosen profession was inspired by my dreaded piano books; I loved the pictures inside of them and decided I would become an artist! Honestly, I’ve discovered that drawing and painting is not my cup of tea, in fact my attempts have left much to be desired.

So I grew a bit, and then my next dream was of being a singer and performing for thousands, and touching their lives through songs. I pursued this till I realized I hated singing in front of people especially crowds, my biggest audience was my country church. I tried my hand at poetry and writing, this wasn’t quite as big of a flop as my other ideas; however, not quite the passion and love I was hoping for.

My latest and longest running passion is art through photography. I so love this form of expression. I’m finding that it touches my emotions and captures moments that nothing else does quite the same for me. So here’s some of my photography…

My Plans

For as long as I can remember, I've had a plan.

A plan of some sort, not always the best plan but nevertheless a plan. In grade school, I had lofty plans of who I would grow up to be! I planned on going to a boarding school, being on the gymnastic team, dating my grade school crush, and having amazing friends and experiences along the way.

Once I was there, living that plan, I began feeling the pressure of thinking once again about my future. I decided, I wanted to become a counselor, and work with people who were experiencing the painful grips of obsessive compulsive disorders. My plan was to pursue a degree in Social Work, marry my grade school love, and continue on cultivating my circle of friends and family.

The realization that plans change, people change, and hearts can be broken were a reality the first couple years of college. So my plans changed. I began discovering a deep passion for working with older adults. I learned that true friends don't drift away, I realized that plans and relationships not held in the palm of Christ's hands have the tendency to be devastating. I learned, and my plans twisted and bent in directions I would never have dreamed possible.

There I stood with a diploma in my hand, and another plan swiftly unfolding. Graduate school was the next plan, the University of Denver for my MSW with an emphasis in gerontology.  I planned on completing the advance standing program, and completing an internship at HospiceCare of Boulder and Broomfield Counties. I hoped and prayed my long-distance relationship with my love would last, and that somehow I could stay connected with my circle of friends. That was my plan...

By the grace of God, I finished my MSW program; left Colorado with a heart full of wonderful and difficult memories, the love of my family, friends, and significant other still intact.

My plan was to move back to my home state, get a job, get married, and live happily ever after.  That was my plan, my idea, my focus.  What about my God's plan, His idea for my life?

Have I lost my focus along this path?  Have I forgotten to include my God...not only include my God, but have Him lead my every step?

For I know the plans I have you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future... Jeremiah 29:11